Today I called the local Domestic Violence Center and asked if I could donate my children’s crib and some of their other baby items that we’ve outgrown.
Hi Sues. It’s part of the legal process of sharing a child in common. Custody proceedings establishing parenting plans are required by the court. So everything you are suggesting is between the custodial parent, her attorney if she is fortunate enough to have one, and her support team that may include d.v. Advocates and other qualified professionals who know the details of her case.
Believe that by the time a visitation schedule has been established, even a temporary one, the ability to safely leave an abusive relationship has been tried and tested. It takes a lot of courage to safety plan and get away.
This article about closure talks about processing grief when a woman finally has enough time to have an uninterrupted thought process as she surveys the damage.
We have a range of ways to do that as human beings.
It sounds like you’ve been through something yourself. We can lift each other up with moral support. 🦋
Thank you for this comment. I did everything I could to protect my children within a system that is stacked against us. He gets two days, 2-3 times per month with them. In my state, it’s automatically 50-50 unless there’s video evidence of him physically assaulting the children. Beating their mother doesn’t count. The judge will say, “well, he was only violent toward the mother.” Even if he was violent to the children I’ve seen judges mandate an anger management class and give him unsupervised custody time anyway.
I was so fortunate to have access to legal advice and representation, and made the decisions that I made with their advice. I did and do everything in my power to protect my children from a corrupt system and I still feel helpless and so angry.
I appreciate you replying to provide some perspective. That comment dredged up a lot of ugly feelings for me— shame, anger, hurt, betrayal, doubt, grief, bitter disappointment, more shame…
And family court evaluators? Omg…one guy was charged after it was discovered he put cameras in the toilet of the ladies! At the Courthouse downtown. He worked there at the time our case was assigned to a different colleague. My ass is probably somewhere in discovery!!! So gross! They’re everywhere. 😂
He checked into a hotel room downtown and edited himself out of earth’s picture.
I could tell because I remember well the custody process. I’m going to be unedited and say it’s fucking brutal for at risk mothers and children especially in reunification states. Even in a healthy divorce where parents coparent and negotiate a parenting plan there is the natural stress of transition.
In an abusive relationship? Shitshow. Family Court evaluators are supposed to be there to help create recommendations for visitation and to determine who or if there is a pattern of coercive abuse. In our case, she was snowed by the charm of the non custodial parent until I brought forth documentation from his court ordered treatment facility. He had chose one with a shit curriculum that believed in Gods redemption (he is a total atheist but learned in the community which program he could work) instead of accountability. Getting the documentation from the domestic violence treatment facility required discussing the ways in which he had violated a court ordered DVPO and their policies around third party harassment. He went to my dead fiancées house, to my vulnerable surrogate mama and took pictures of the pictures of her son. He had a habit of looking up my loved ones and even attorney in the Polk directory at the library and would engineer meetings they thought were happenstance, essentially stalking them. It’s all so stupid and twisted from two decades away and I’m not still processing it but rather use the story to illustrate how constant the stream of bullshit can be, and how diligently we have to underscore every violation.
Don’t ever second guess yourself. I’ve been there and you are doing the right thing. My ex got bored once the parenting plan was in place. I followed it to the letter and deeply wished he would coparent instead of focusing on me. Once there were no more opportunities to try to control me, he actively sought out and isolated new targets.
Sometimes they have a healthy fear of the law and exhibit indirect abusive behavior because they don’t want to leave evidence. You’re doing the right thing protecting your kids childhood. They’re so young. You have plenty of time left to create new rituals and to grieve.
It is a total shit show and it’s so gross what they are allowed to get away with. My ex has always been able to toe that line well. The system is rigged to favor fathers, who are also usually the ones with more financial means to drag out proceedings. I’m watching it happen to a friend right now.
I’m so glad you got out safely. That behavior is diabolical and designed to intentionally terrorize you. My ex moved on the second he realized I wouldn’t be having sex with him again. He’d actually moved on long before then with multiple affairs, but he’s still dating the current one. Moved our kids into her apartment less than 2 months after our divorce.
I will always do everything I can to protect them, and I just pray he gets bored and leaves us alone for good.
I love Lundy Bancroft so I’ll definitely check out this resource. His book Why Does He Do That was so validating to read, and helped me take off the blinders and realize my ex was never going to change.
Also— that court evaluator?!?! Wt actual f?! I’ve heard so many nightmare stories about family court and FC evaluators. A bear would NEVER.
Yes to all of this and thank you for creating a space where we can process together. I wish Lundy Bancroft were more active now, he really nailed the armchair diagnosing of NPD and zeitgeist lexicon that can muddy the waters for survivors. Mental illness is something people don’t choose. Serial predators know when to modify a range of tactics and while there are overlaps in personality traits or psychological cluster B tendencies, perps need to be unmasked and accountable.
He underscores the cognitive processes and behaviors that need targeting which is why family or couples therapy is not helpful. We don’t need to center the feelings of abusers. The thinking that they are entitled to control is the problem.
It seems so simple and not enough retribution but so often what seems like the worst punishment for them is to be revealed publicly.
Absolutely. Neither neurodivergence nor mental illness is an excuse to be abusive nor a cause. The issue is entitlement. Learning that abusers have a distorted sense of morality was a huge shift for me. They can always explain it or justify it away.
I’m planning on writing about my experiences with couples counseling more for those reasons! It was traumatic and I wish I’d known then what I know now.
I do feel lighter. I hauled a load of stuff off to the dump today and I will have more to take soon. I'm looking into places to donate that aren't goodwill and trying to get rid of the things we no longer need. It does feel poetic to donate to the DV center. Trying to grow something beautiful out of a really horrible situation, but manure does make for good fertilizer. Ugh, what a metaphor. 🤣
I’m really proud of you. You’re doing amazingly as a mother and as a human being, who has suffered immense trauma from someone who was supposed to love and care for you. Leaving him is an act of love too….and your children will no doubt be as proud of you, as all of us are in your comment section.
Thank you, Deanne. I really wanted to name the complexity of my feelings in this piece as a way to both honor them and to also normalize it for someone else. And donating our things to other mothers who are where we have been just felt like the right thing to do. I love a whole circle moment. 🩵
I know you can't change the past so can't not be impacted forever like such narcissistic domestic abusers do to innocent, decent us they prey upon, but you can do something:report your abuser for the very serious abuse & manipulation crimes he did to you&has probably done to previous women&will be doing to another right now....historical abuse reporting is possible...We all have a duty to report such serious crimes.....if he still sees the children, why - why would you now let your children near such an evil perpetrator?.....Write your own very detailed statement re several dated incidents of his abuse, describing his multiple psychological abuse tactics, physical assaults, & threats (they always do several of the same tactics) in detail....police are useless so lay it all out in your own statement & insist they put it on their form MG11...abuser will have to be questioned &, if you've submitted enough detail re his abuse, sent to magistrates'crt, & hopefully crown court then jail - you have to give lots of detail of more than 2 incidents of his abuse that made you fear for your safety, have to change daily routines & feel as though you had to live treading on eggshells...That is the proof cps need for a charge & arrest then the abuser will have to go to court...Get that evil rightly jailed.
I understand your frustration and your desire to believe in a system that will work toward justice. Unfortunately that’s not the system I live in. I did list the abuse as the reason I was filing for divorce, which I later learned made me 6-7 times more likely to lose custody of my children. Women who report abuse are 6-7 times more likely to lose custody of their children.
I understand and can respect your passion, but asking why I would allow my children to go see their father is tone deaf and harmful. I don’t have a choice. I am legally mandated to release them to him on his parenting time. I did everything I could, and fortunately for my children, he didn’t want more custody time and only sees them a couple weekends per month. Those weekends are incredibly difficult because I am worried about their safety the entire time, and on top of that I feel guilty for needing that break. But my hands are legally bound. Withholding our children would jeopardize my custody of them.
Additionally, the way our laws are written, you need video evidence of extreme physical violence. Emotional abuse isn’t enough, sexual abuse gets thrown out, and everything else is too hard to prove. They don’t believe women here. The minute you say you were abused they start treating you like a liar. Reporting would do me no good.
That doesn’t mean I’m doing nothing though. I’ve warned others, I’m trying to help women recognize signs of abuse before it escalates the way mine did, and I’m trying to curate a safe space for other survivors. That space doesn’t feel safe when people make comments like these.
I’m truly sorry for what you’ve gone through, but shaming another survivor for not doing things the way you think she should isn’t the way to get through to someone.
I reported mine several times.....Had his previous exes, it turns out he also had abused but lied to me about, reported him, I'd not have had gross misfortune to have met him & experience his what I now see as initial fake nice act to use me (they use everybody as a commodity, even male colleagues), coerce me away from where I'd planned my life through my hard work before met him, while he was still faking nice, then eventually show his true colours of multiple psychological abuse tactics, violent physical assaults & threats....I reported, & kept reporting amidst multiple blunders & failings from criminal system....In the end, I started having mini tape in my handbag switched on at times I got brave to return to my home after temporarily having to leave thousands of times due to his unpredictable moods & onset of abuse, & times I was home & saw him approaching home.....My tapes proved his abuse to rightly jail him.
It is very wrong you & your children have to have contact with an abuse perpetrator......It may still be possible to prove his abuse & report....A narcissistic man's commonly known tactics are to slander victims as if we're lying or are crazy but I wrote that in my final statement (which I elected to write myself because after three years of failings , the police showed themselves to be useless dimwits, & a waste of time, not knowing how abusers operate/manipulate!) & stated courts should totally be fully aware of such tactics so don't try those common lie tactics....You aren't lying so should stick to the fact he is an abuser....I will gladly help you write a detailed statement....he should be sent to magistrates' court & not be allowed to manipulate the system because of the fact of children.
I’m so glad you made it out safely. What you experienced is terrifying and i commend you for your bravery and resilience. And I’m glad that in your case, justice was eventually served, though I’m sorry for all you had to endure while law enforcement blundered their jobs.
I appreciate your offer of help, but I’m in the US, and I’ve already spoken to my lawyer. Making a report would only endanger the custody of my children, and they don’t see emotional abuse as abuse here, so the audio recordings I have aren’t helpful.
Hi Sues. It’s part of the legal process of sharing a child in common. Custody proceedings establishing parenting plans are required by the court. So everything you are suggesting is between the custodial parent, her attorney if she is fortunate enough to have one, and her support team that may include d.v. Advocates and other qualified professionals who know the details of her case.
Believe that by the time a visitation schedule has been established, even a temporary one, the ability to safely leave an abusive relationship has been tried and tested. It takes a lot of courage to safety plan and get away.
This article about closure talks about processing grief when a woman finally has enough time to have an uninterrupted thought process as she surveys the damage.
We have a range of ways to do that as human beings.
It sounds like you’ve been through something yourself. We can lift each other up with moral support. 🦋
Hi Lisa,
Thank you for this comment. I did everything I could to protect my children within a system that is stacked against us. He gets two days, 2-3 times per month with them. In my state, it’s automatically 50-50 unless there’s video evidence of him physically assaulting the children. Beating their mother doesn’t count. The judge will say, “well, he was only violent toward the mother.” Even if he was violent to the children I’ve seen judges mandate an anger management class and give him unsupervised custody time anyway.
I was so fortunate to have access to legal advice and representation, and made the decisions that I made with their advice. I did and do everything in my power to protect my children from a corrupt system and I still feel helpless and so angry.
I appreciate you replying to provide some perspective. That comment dredged up a lot of ugly feelings for me— shame, anger, hurt, betrayal, doubt, grief, bitter disappointment, more shame…
Thanks for being here. 🩵
https://lundybancroft.com/child-custody-justice/
Lundy Bancroft is super validating.
And family court evaluators? Omg…one guy was charged after it was discovered he put cameras in the toilet of the ladies! At the Courthouse downtown. He worked there at the time our case was assigned to a different colleague. My ass is probably somewhere in discovery!!! So gross! They’re everywhere. 😂
He checked into a hotel room downtown and edited himself out of earth’s picture.
I could tell because I remember well the custody process. I’m going to be unedited and say it’s fucking brutal for at risk mothers and children especially in reunification states. Even in a healthy divorce where parents coparent and negotiate a parenting plan there is the natural stress of transition.
In an abusive relationship? Shitshow. Family Court evaluators are supposed to be there to help create recommendations for visitation and to determine who or if there is a pattern of coercive abuse. In our case, she was snowed by the charm of the non custodial parent until I brought forth documentation from his court ordered treatment facility. He had chose one with a shit curriculum that believed in Gods redemption (he is a total atheist but learned in the community which program he could work) instead of accountability. Getting the documentation from the domestic violence treatment facility required discussing the ways in which he had violated a court ordered DVPO and their policies around third party harassment. He went to my dead fiancées house, to my vulnerable surrogate mama and took pictures of the pictures of her son. He had a habit of looking up my loved ones and even attorney in the Polk directory at the library and would engineer meetings they thought were happenstance, essentially stalking them. It’s all so stupid and twisted from two decades away and I’m not still processing it but rather use the story to illustrate how constant the stream of bullshit can be, and how diligently we have to underscore every violation.
Don’t ever second guess yourself. I’ve been there and you are doing the right thing. My ex got bored once the parenting plan was in place. I followed it to the letter and deeply wished he would coparent instead of focusing on me. Once there were no more opportunities to try to control me, he actively sought out and isolated new targets.
Sometimes they have a healthy fear of the law and exhibit indirect abusive behavior because they don’t want to leave evidence. You’re doing the right thing protecting your kids childhood. They’re so young. You have plenty of time left to create new rituals and to grieve.
It is a total shit show and it’s so gross what they are allowed to get away with. My ex has always been able to toe that line well. The system is rigged to favor fathers, who are also usually the ones with more financial means to drag out proceedings. I’m watching it happen to a friend right now.
I’m so glad you got out safely. That behavior is diabolical and designed to intentionally terrorize you. My ex moved on the second he realized I wouldn’t be having sex with him again. He’d actually moved on long before then with multiple affairs, but he’s still dating the current one. Moved our kids into her apartment less than 2 months after our divorce.
I will always do everything I can to protect them, and I just pray he gets bored and leaves us alone for good.
I love Lundy Bancroft so I’ll definitely check out this resource. His book Why Does He Do That was so validating to read, and helped me take off the blinders and realize my ex was never going to change.
Also— that court evaluator?!?! Wt actual f?! I’ve heard so many nightmare stories about family court and FC evaluators. A bear would NEVER.
Yes to all of this and thank you for creating a space where we can process together. I wish Lundy Bancroft were more active now, he really nailed the armchair diagnosing of NPD and zeitgeist lexicon that can muddy the waters for survivors. Mental illness is something people don’t choose. Serial predators know when to modify a range of tactics and while there are overlaps in personality traits or psychological cluster B tendencies, perps need to be unmasked and accountable.
He underscores the cognitive processes and behaviors that need targeting which is why family or couples therapy is not helpful. We don’t need to center the feelings of abusers. The thinking that they are entitled to control is the problem.
It seems so simple and not enough retribution but so often what seems like the worst punishment for them is to be revealed publicly.
Absolutely. Neither neurodivergence nor mental illness is an excuse to be abusive nor a cause. The issue is entitlement. Learning that abusers have a distorted sense of morality was a huge shift for me. They can always explain it or justify it away.
I’m planning on writing about my experiences with couples counseling more for those reasons! It was traumatic and I wish I’d known then what I know now.
Thanks for being part of our little community. 🩵
Donating things that no longer have a purpose will lighten your load! And you will be helping someone else to a happier life! You got this!
I do feel lighter. I hauled a load of stuff off to the dump today and I will have more to take soon. I'm looking into places to donate that aren't goodwill and trying to get rid of the things we no longer need. It does feel poetic to donate to the DV center. Trying to grow something beautiful out of a really horrible situation, but manure does make for good fertilizer. Ugh, what a metaphor. 🤣
I’m really proud of you. You’re doing amazingly as a mother and as a human being, who has suffered immense trauma from someone who was supposed to love and care for you. Leaving him is an act of love too….and your children will no doubt be as proud of you, as all of us are in your comment section.
Louiseee— thank you so much. 😭🩵 your support means so much to me 🫂
Be strong for your children.
I am sorry that you're going through this ❤️
Thank you, Teri. Everything I do is for them. All of this heartbreak, uncertainty, and healing… it’s all for them. 🩵
One day at a time 🤎 You are strong.
Thank you, Zophia. One breath, one minute, one moment at a time. 🩵
That's beautiful, Sarah. I wish you and your children all the best.
Thank you, Deanne. I really wanted to name the complexity of my feelings in this piece as a way to both honor them and to also normalize it for someone else. And donating our things to other mothers who are where we have been just felt like the right thing to do. I love a whole circle moment. 🩵
I know you can't change the past so can't not be impacted forever like such narcissistic domestic abusers do to innocent, decent us they prey upon, but you can do something:report your abuser for the very serious abuse & manipulation crimes he did to you&has probably done to previous women&will be doing to another right now....historical abuse reporting is possible...We all have a duty to report such serious crimes.....if he still sees the children, why - why would you now let your children near such an evil perpetrator?.....Write your own very detailed statement re several dated incidents of his abuse, describing his multiple psychological abuse tactics, physical assaults, & threats (they always do several of the same tactics) in detail....police are useless so lay it all out in your own statement & insist they put it on their form MG11...abuser will have to be questioned &, if you've submitted enough detail re his abuse, sent to magistrates'crt, & hopefully crown court then jail - you have to give lots of detail of more than 2 incidents of his abuse that made you fear for your safety, have to change daily routines & feel as though you had to live treading on eggshells...That is the proof cps need for a charge & arrest then the abuser will have to go to court...Get that evil rightly jailed.
Hi Sues,
I understand your frustration and your desire to believe in a system that will work toward justice. Unfortunately that’s not the system I live in. I did list the abuse as the reason I was filing for divorce, which I later learned made me 6-7 times more likely to lose custody of my children. Women who report abuse are 6-7 times more likely to lose custody of their children.
I understand and can respect your passion, but asking why I would allow my children to go see their father is tone deaf and harmful. I don’t have a choice. I am legally mandated to release them to him on his parenting time. I did everything I could, and fortunately for my children, he didn’t want more custody time and only sees them a couple weekends per month. Those weekends are incredibly difficult because I am worried about their safety the entire time, and on top of that I feel guilty for needing that break. But my hands are legally bound. Withholding our children would jeopardize my custody of them.
Additionally, the way our laws are written, you need video evidence of extreme physical violence. Emotional abuse isn’t enough, sexual abuse gets thrown out, and everything else is too hard to prove. They don’t believe women here. The minute you say you were abused they start treating you like a liar. Reporting would do me no good.
That doesn’t mean I’m doing nothing though. I’ve warned others, I’m trying to help women recognize signs of abuse before it escalates the way mine did, and I’m trying to curate a safe space for other survivors. That space doesn’t feel safe when people make comments like these.
I’m truly sorry for what you’ve gone through, but shaming another survivor for not doing things the way you think she should isn’t the way to get through to someone.
I reported mine several times.....Had his previous exes, it turns out he also had abused but lied to me about, reported him, I'd not have had gross misfortune to have met him & experience his what I now see as initial fake nice act to use me (they use everybody as a commodity, even male colleagues), coerce me away from where I'd planned my life through my hard work before met him, while he was still faking nice, then eventually show his true colours of multiple psychological abuse tactics, violent physical assaults & threats....I reported, & kept reporting amidst multiple blunders & failings from criminal system....In the end, I started having mini tape in my handbag switched on at times I got brave to return to my home after temporarily having to leave thousands of times due to his unpredictable moods & onset of abuse, & times I was home & saw him approaching home.....My tapes proved his abuse to rightly jail him.
It is very wrong you & your children have to have contact with an abuse perpetrator......It may still be possible to prove his abuse & report....A narcissistic man's commonly known tactics are to slander victims as if we're lying or are crazy but I wrote that in my final statement (which I elected to write myself because after three years of failings , the police showed themselves to be useless dimwits, & a waste of time, not knowing how abusers operate/manipulate!) & stated courts should totally be fully aware of such tactics so don't try those common lie tactics....You aren't lying so should stick to the fact he is an abuser....I will gladly help you write a detailed statement....he should be sent to magistrates' court & not be allowed to manipulate the system because of the fact of children.
I’m so glad you made it out safely. What you experienced is terrifying and i commend you for your bravery and resilience. And I’m glad that in your case, justice was eventually served, though I’m sorry for all you had to endure while law enforcement blundered their jobs.
I appreciate your offer of help, but I’m in the US, and I’ve already spoken to my lawyer. Making a report would only endanger the custody of my children, and they don’t see emotional abuse as abuse here, so the audio recordings I have aren’t helpful.