Awareness P.2
TW: April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, and we're diving right in.
This is part 2 of a 2 part series on Sexual Assault Awareness. It ended up being much longer than I intended it do be, so to avoid a “21 minute read,” I’ve decided to share it in two, hopefully less daunting, pieces. If you’ve already read the original, you’ve already read this. 🩵
I thought that as a wife, I had to have sex with him. I felt guilty for not wanting it, initially not understanding that his treatment of me was the reason. I was convinced my libido was just low and that there was something wrong with me. His urging me to go to the doctor to get my hormones checked didn’t help. I didn’t realize that his pestering was sexual coercion.. for years.
He very cleverly kept me from talking to anyone about the abuse with accusations like, I know you’re always shit talking me to your friends. I never do that to you. When I talk about our problems, I just state the facts. You always tailor it to look better for you.
Do I? I thought to myself, spiraling into problem solving mode, desperate to find a solution. So careful was I with my words and my tone that I started recording myself, because while he would rely on my memory to make sure all our bills got paid and to be the family calendar and household inventory keeper, he would also say my memory wasn’t trustworthy enough to accurately recall something he had said 5 minutes before; that my perception of reality was not the truth.
When I was pregnant with my youngest, I opened up to my midwife about the constant sexual coercion I was experiencing. I turned to my healthcare provider, who should know and whose responsibility it is to educate and empower her patients, and she told me sometimes we just have to do it when we don’t want to, because they want it. She sent me home to be raped. It was years before I opened up again.
Midwife means “with woman.”
No one was with me.
Even when I put my foot down and separated from my ex-husband, he wouldn’t stop coming on to me, multiple times a day. Despite me telling him multiple times to stop. I tried to be diplomatic. I carefully measured my words, I’m not saying you did this on purpose. Neither of us realized this was coercion, but it is, and it’s done real harm and I need some time to process it. I don’t know how long it will be, but I need you to stop coming on to me. Let me come to you when I’m ready.
His response told on himself. Angrily, he shouts, Well even if that did happen, it’s your fault for not fighting or using your big girl voice. Then demanded to know, how long do you need? Because if it’s going to be weeks or months, I need to know now so I can go find a new partner.
Unbeknownst to me, he was already having (another) affair with his best friend’s younger sister, who he had already cheated on me with in the past, and who he currently lives with now, and moved our children in with less than 2 months after we divorced.
Looking back, I see all of the ways he told on himself. He refused to cuddle me or watch TV with me because it was too hard to keep his hands off me and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.
Too hard not to rape me? That’s not unsettling at all.
He said we shouldn’t go on dates, because it just made him angry when we got home and I didn’t put out; that dates set an expectation of sex.
For our 5 year wedding anniversary, he said we should go back to Gatlinburg where we had our honeymoon, and stay in the Park Vista. We went. I told him I desperately needed a night of sleep; our second was 4 months old, and our first had just turned two. He threw a fit until I gave in, keeping me up the entire night, forcing me to repeat that just because I was tired didn’t mean I didn’t love him, him telling me that he’d gone to all this effort to have a romantic night for us (all this effort being a “hey, we should go to that hotel in Gatlinburg on our anniversary” and a trip to the gas station for beer, and me doing all the actual labor, like making the reservation and arranging overnight childcare). Eventually I gave in, just so he’d let me sleep for a couple hours. I went home exhausted and sick to my stomach.
I was with this man for 10 years, and this is just a sampling of what I lived through. I could write multiple books detailing the abuse and inhumane treatment.
I didn’t know that sexual coercion could happen in marriage. I didn’t know that marital rape was a thing. I didn’t have the information or language I needed to describe this type of abuse, or to ask for help, and clearly, neither did the pastoral counselor or midwife I turned to.
Abstinence only sex education is bullshit. It’s a thinly veiled mask for their real goal: keep girls in the dark so they don’t know how bad men actually are at sex.
The word vagina means “place where I put my sword.” The word cunt was used before this, its roots related to words like cleverness, power, pleasure. So naturally, in the 1600s-1700s, they had to tell everyone this word was vulgar, and that vagina should be used. Vagina is the derogatory term here, not cunt.
Don’t believe me? Look up the translations for the word labia in languages, like Danish, Swedish, German, Dutch. Shame lips is the literal translation. And don’t get me started on the origin of the word hysteria.
I was nearly 28 years old when I learned that over 70% of women don’t come from penetration. 28. Years. Old.
Living in the deeply patriarchal Bible Belt, I was taught that real sex was PIV, and anything else was sinful, even in marriage. As children we were taught that masturbation is sinful, and that our bodies were something to be ashamed of and to cover up, lest we lead the boys to sin.
1 in 33 men have been the victims of attempted or completed rape, and 1 in 10 rape victims are male, and I condemn any one who assaults another person, but today I’m going to focus on female victims.
Because:
In my country, the Good Ol’ US of A, over half of women will experience sexual violence in their lifetimes. 1 in 3 women have been raped. Of those women, 1/2 of them aren’t able to recover & achieve orgasm anymore.
1 in 6 women can’t orgasm, because of sexual violence.
And it’s not strangers who are assaulting us, no. It’s our husbands, boyfriends, dads, uncles, brothers, friends. Over 90% of these assaults are carried out by people we know.
And how many of them face consequences? 0.7% of rapes result in a conviction, and that’s if we report at all. An estimated 310 of every 1,000 sexual assaults are reported to police.
And why would we, when the backlash is so heavy? I was slut shamed, accused of wanting attention, asked what I was wearing, told it was my fault… at 15, because someone overheard me finally tell my friend what had happened, and it got back to him. Cue the death threats from him and his sister.
In Indiana, if a rape report doesn’t result in a conviction, the victim can be fined and jailed for “false reporting.” Indiana essentially made it illegal to report rapists. Good ol’ Boys.
Knowing how many rapes don’t result in a conviction, how many Brock Turners walk free after serving 3 months of a pitiful 6 month sentence, if they’re convicted at all, how many Brett Kavanaughs are still in positions of power like the Supreme Court, how many 34 times convicted felon, serial rapist, “grab ‘em by the pussy” Donald Trumps are in the goddamn White House…
Because, if this election taught us anything, it’s that it’s more acceptable to be a rapist than it is to be a woman in this godforsaken country.
If that doesn’t make you want to weep, rage, scream, incite a riot, I don’t know what else to say.
This is reality under patriarchal rule.
This is why we’re so goddamn angry.
Are you listening yet?
Do you feel aware? Because we sure as fuck are.
National Sexual Assault Hotline: a service of RAINN
Telephone hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673)
National Helpline for Male Survivors: a service of 1in6
If you or someone you love is in an abusive or toxic relationship, there are resources to help. Education is one of the most powerful tools you have to protect yourself and to break the cycle.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 TTYhttps://www.center4research.org/the-cycle-of-domestic-violence/
For those in the UK: https://www.pandoraproject.org.uk/what-is-domestic-abuse/
Wow. Thank you for sharing and pulling in these statistics! More people need to hear all this - such an important topic to bring to light💙
The world needs more people like you who are strong enough to share their story. Thank you.