One of the things I’ve learned while healing from domestic violence is that codependency is less neediness and not being able to do anything on your own and more shielding everyone from the consequences of their own actions at your own expense all the time.
People like you are why I do what I do. Yes, writing helps me process, but I also write for other survivors. The advocacy work and education are part of the something beautifuls I’m growing out of this trauma. 🩵
I remember sitting at your kitchen table last October when you shared the “I am worthy of living because I’m alive” realization with me. And as someone who’s been in the universal healthcare, universal basic income, and disability advocacy crowd, I was surprised. Of course you are. Then I realized, despite that being damn near my mantra since I became disabled, I was not living it for myself.
Thank you for sharing this with so much honesty. I relate deeply to how easy it is to shrink yourself just to keep the peace and how hard it is to untangle self-worth from being useful to others. That realisation that you have value simply because you exist is so powerful. Reclaiming your needs and boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Cheering you on as you keep choosing yourself.
Thank you so much, Lisa! That realization was the catalyst for so much healing and growth. I actually wrote an essay called Choose, that touches more on that, and I’m going to be writing a follow up to that piece soon! I appreciate your support and kind words. Truly, my heart. 🥹🩵
I can relate because I’ve known those in positions like you.
I’d like to clarify my reshare. And challenge you with this proposition, since I finished reading after reposting in line.
If you took your situation, and you bought all the alcohol for years. Would you describe him as alcoholic when he leaves you tired of shrinking himself?
If you stage an inability for him to divorce completely, as him losing jobs years later, living in another state. Because you’re calling the police to welfare check him running sprints in the park at noon. Do you call that not paying the bills?
Again, just honest questions as your perspective is independent and one of value, as it’s honest as well. And objective to think of your situation using different variables. Because I’m not your husband.
So the title of co-dependent doesn’t make the symptoms and examples similar, in my opinion.
I’ve known marriages adjacent to ours, that I’ve suggested other wives leave. Because they enable.
It’s like a razor’s edge, when you turn the variables though.
If co-dependency was the diagnosis. Shouldn’t we both be free in separation?
I’m not sure I understand what you mean. He bought his own alcohol, and I tried to limit him to stay within our budget and also for his health. While I had good intentions and part of it was self preservation, trying to limit him was outside my circle of control. The choice to drink was his. He was the one who worked, as I was home without children, so even if I had been buying the alcohol, the choice to drink to excess was his.
I don’t understand the scenario you’re proposing. My ex husband didn’t shrink himself. He drank because he liked to party and he liked how it made him feel. So he drank and he played call of duty and he expected me to handle all the domestic chores and put out when he wanted it. His behavior was fueled by entitlement.
You could say I enabled him by not leaving sooner and by continuing to clean up his messes, but as a stay at home mom of 2 with no income, I couldn’t exactly just up and go. I was trying to find a way to keep us together for the kids, and you have to factor in custody concerns. He gets unsupervised custody time with them and it terrifies me every time. The system is broken.
My situation is vastly different than anything you are describing. Jumping to causing him to lose a job and calling welfare on him is a wild leap. So again I’m just not really sure what you mean.
As far as codependency being freed by the end of the relationship, not exactly. Unless the codependent does the inner work to heal and address the wounds causing the behavior, the pattern will continue in other relationships, platonic, familial, or romantic.
Again, I can relate to most of this post - thank you for putting it into words ❤️
People like you are why I do what I do. Yes, writing helps me process, but I also write for other survivors. The advocacy work and education are part of the something beautifuls I’m growing out of this trauma. 🩵
Thank you for defining this. Just wasted two years of my life "protecting" someone from their actions but never considered it co-dependancy.
Ouch. It’s a painful realization. I’m glad I could help clarify or reframe it in a helpful way.
I remember sitting at your kitchen table last October when you shared the “I am worthy of living because I’m alive” realization with me. And as someone who’s been in the universal healthcare, universal basic income, and disability advocacy crowd, I was surprised. Of course you are. Then I realized, despite that being damn near my mantra since I became disabled, I was not living it for myself.
I’m so proud of you. 🩵
Thank you for sharing this with so much honesty. I relate deeply to how easy it is to shrink yourself just to keep the peace and how hard it is to untangle self-worth from being useful to others. That realisation that you have value simply because you exist is so powerful. Reclaiming your needs and boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Cheering you on as you keep choosing yourself.
Thank you so much, Lisa! That realization was the catalyst for so much healing and growth. I actually wrote an essay called Choose, that touches more on that, and I’m going to be writing a follow up to that piece soon! I appreciate your support and kind words. Truly, my heart. 🥹🩵
I can relate because I’ve known those in positions like you.
I’d like to clarify my reshare. And challenge you with this proposition, since I finished reading after reposting in line.
If you took your situation, and you bought all the alcohol for years. Would you describe him as alcoholic when he leaves you tired of shrinking himself?
If you stage an inability for him to divorce completely, as him losing jobs years later, living in another state. Because you’re calling the police to welfare check him running sprints in the park at noon. Do you call that not paying the bills?
Again, just honest questions as your perspective is independent and one of value, as it’s honest as well. And objective to think of your situation using different variables. Because I’m not your husband.
So the title of co-dependent doesn’t make the symptoms and examples similar, in my opinion.
I’ve known marriages adjacent to ours, that I’ve suggested other wives leave. Because they enable.
It’s like a razor’s edge, when you turn the variables though.
If co-dependency was the diagnosis. Shouldn’t we both be free in separation?
I’m not sure I understand what you mean. He bought his own alcohol, and I tried to limit him to stay within our budget and also for his health. While I had good intentions and part of it was self preservation, trying to limit him was outside my circle of control. The choice to drink was his. He was the one who worked, as I was home without children, so even if I had been buying the alcohol, the choice to drink to excess was his.
I don’t understand the scenario you’re proposing. My ex husband didn’t shrink himself. He drank because he liked to party and he liked how it made him feel. So he drank and he played call of duty and he expected me to handle all the domestic chores and put out when he wanted it. His behavior was fueled by entitlement.
You could say I enabled him by not leaving sooner and by continuing to clean up his messes, but as a stay at home mom of 2 with no income, I couldn’t exactly just up and go. I was trying to find a way to keep us together for the kids, and you have to factor in custody concerns. He gets unsupervised custody time with them and it terrifies me every time. The system is broken.
My situation is vastly different than anything you are describing. Jumping to causing him to lose a job and calling welfare on him is a wild leap. So again I’m just not really sure what you mean.
As far as codependency being freed by the end of the relationship, not exactly. Unless the codependent does the inner work to heal and address the wounds causing the behavior, the pattern will continue in other relationships, platonic, familial, or romantic.