Unfortunately I can relate to so much of this. I often find myself wondering whether it was intentional gaslighting with a full on plan, or he did it without realising - either way he's an asshole too. It took me twelve years to get out and nine years later I'm still picking out the real me from the shadows he created. I've only discovered recently that I'm AuDHD and I think that makes us even more vulnerable to this kind of person.
I still wonder if it was intentional or not sometimes, too. I think it has to be intentional after a certain point. How many times do you have to be told you’re hurting someone before the inaction becomes intentional?
I’m also AuDHD, and I agree that it can make us more vulnerable, especially when undiagnosed. After a lifetime of being told we’re overreacting or our feelings aren’t proportional to a situation, it’s easy for an abuser to step in and separate us further from our intuition. The foundation for their gaslighting has already been laid.
I’m coming up on 2 years since we separated, and I can tell I’ll be working on this for many more. Wishing you love, light, and clarity on this healing path back to yourself. 🩵
Something I have realized in similar circumstances was I accepted the behavior that I felt I deserved. I grew up having to love someone exactly how THEY needed it to receive breadcrumbs of the love I needed. And I couldn’t expect more. And I had to be perfect and exhaustive in my efforts…as I healed that, I realize that I deserve to receive ALL of the love I put out…for myself. So I started to do it for me…and I found the right people who could love me well started to show up. I still struggle with feel like I always need to over perform…but I’m kinder to myself now. Hope you are too 💕
THIS: The first Christmas we were married, my ex got mad at me for being upset that he didn’t get me anything. “Why would I get you anything? We’re married. It’s coming out of the same account. If it matters so much to you, get something for yourself. You’re so material.”
Perhaps it’s because you’re just so special. I would know - because I’m super special too!!
This sounds so strangely familiar to something my own ex-asshole said to me our last Christmas together.
Everyone was so happy with their gorgeous gifts and complimented me on how lovely they looked - almost too beautiful to unwrap. I was feeling so grateful. And, I received some sweet hand-made gifts from the boys and a thoughtful gift from his family. And, I waited…was I missing something? Waited. Waited. Everyone was leaving. The day was turning into night…waiting…and I finally had to facetiously yet cheerfully ask, “Hey you! What are you going to surprise me with?”
“Oh, baby. It was a rough couple of months and I didn’t generate a lot of business lately. I knew you wouldn’t mind not receiving any presents from me because you’re not a materialistic person. And, that’s why you’re so special.” And, then he gently kissed my forehead.
And, that was the night I should have accidentally poked a sizable hole in his c-pap machine breathing tube. I should have waited until his shallow breaths slowly began to grow longer between each last gasp…
To gently whisper - Merry Christmas forever, you special asshole.
Financial constraints are difficult, but to not make an effort to do *anything* for the person who is supposed to matter the most to you is unacceptable. And to blame the lack of effort on finances is so insidious; such careful manipulation.
Our last Christmas together he didn’t get me anything either (he didn’t get me anything for almost all of our Christmases together), but that year I told him he was responsible for getting his family’s gifts and that I wouldn’t be doing it. *No one* got anything from him. He still got Christmas gifts from me even though I knew he wouldn’t reciprocate. It wasn’t until after doing gifts for Father’s Day and his birthday last year (while separated!) that I finally stopped. I was trying to be a good example for the kids, but it was breaking my heart that he never cared about me enough to even make an effort.
I have been there too. Always being the bigger person. Not capitulating to their level. Setting a good example for the kids.
You know - a very wise person recently told me that “Children always recognize genuine affection and they will never forget that you were the one who always showed it to them.”
And that changed my understanding of how they inherently recognize disingenuous behavior from a very young age. You’ve done your best to be a good example. They already recognize your sincerity in your love. And, they know always will. He can never give them that because he’s too busy being selfish. 💜
It’s not about wanting something extravagant or even remotely costly…It’s actually *Insert that Old Tried but True Cliche’ Here* and that they weren’t even able to THINK about the most important person in their lives, (which is themselves - but I cite hindsight.) I’m certain that you, as I, gave him a very thoughtful and generous gift or gifts. Yours didn’t even bother to buy ANYONE in his family a gift, but I bet that didn’t stop him from ripping off the wrapping paper of all their gifts to him with childlike glee, while visions of sugar plumbs danced in his deranged head!
This is exactly the problem: They created THEIR Asshole and because they can’t take accountability for contributing to his awful abuse against his own wife, they rally around him and deflect blame onto you. These people are pathetic, petty, and emotionally immature bullies who will never get it. It’s always someone else’s fault. It isn’t personal, although it sure feels like it, but I can see it with relative objectivity. (Pun intended.)
Also, dysfunctional narcissistic family members are incapable of understanding anything other than protecting their shared interest in preserving the facade of perfection in public, which means they have to make themselves perpetual victims and partake in their folie a familia, which necessitates they never have look within or confront their generational trauma. They have to blame someone for their Asshole - and unfortunately it is you.
It has been me forever, as well. I’m so sorry that they’re so vindictive, but don’t worry - I doubt anyone takes them seriously here. We’re all too busy creating, learning, and marveling.
*I have been extra snarky lately and there’s an awful reason. But don’t worry - my Asshole is likely playing golf with his buddies while smoking a cigar without a care for anyone else in the world.
It really is about being considered at all, about mattering to them at all. You’re right that he had no problem accepting gifts from others despite his lack of reciprocity.
I hold onto the belief that my children will know what healthy love looks like and recognize it as they grow. I’m doing my best to raise kind, emotionally intelligent, healthy children. That takes up almost all of my time and energy.
It’s hard for me to be so black and white about them because I loved them like family for 10 years, but they’re absolutely enabling him and they’re not willing to hold him accountable or to reflect on how they may have contributed. It’s easier to blame me and call me a liar than to address misogynistic beliefs and their own harmful actions.
I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through right now. I hope it gets better.
Of course, your intensely personal, intimately emotional connection with your in-laws is that despite their deep denial about their son’s behavior toward you, you still hold a place in your heart for love for them. That’s why the pain of not only losing the dream of a future you once idealized with the joy of boundless possibilities, is now overflowing with tears of sadness.
As if nothing could ever hurt more than total apathy, I have to argue that hateful rhetoric and vindictiveness compounded by acts of completely unnecessary and intentional aggressiveness from both the simplicity of their betrayal but also the crushing cruelty of denied reciprocity of your love.
It reinforces a profoundly isolating experience that should not be yours to suffer alone while already tiptoeing your way through a minefield of grief for what was and now is. What a testament to your strength of character found in the revelation of the absence of theirs.
Your children will surprise you someday when you hear the most wonderful words ever spoken in an arbitrary moment in passing conversation, of which they will be unaware, because you never realized you had taught them unspoken virtues of what it meant to be a good person, as they were just far more observant than you could have ever possibly imagined.
Gosh…thank you. I’m so happy it helped. 💜 That last paragraph actually happened a couple of years ago when I told my son I was proud of him for something I noticed and appreciated about him. His laconic response was a two sentence statement made while he was rushing out the front door. Before it closed behind him, he looked back at me and smiled. I had no idea that he had learned something so important just by observing me.
Unfortunately I can relate to so much of this. I often find myself wondering whether it was intentional gaslighting with a full on plan, or he did it without realising - either way he's an asshole too. It took me twelve years to get out and nine years later I'm still picking out the real me from the shadows he created. I've only discovered recently that I'm AuDHD and I think that makes us even more vulnerable to this kind of person.
I still wonder if it was intentional or not sometimes, too. I think it has to be intentional after a certain point. How many times do you have to be told you’re hurting someone before the inaction becomes intentional?
I’m also AuDHD, and I agree that it can make us more vulnerable, especially when undiagnosed. After a lifetime of being told we’re overreacting or our feelings aren’t proportional to a situation, it’s easy for an abuser to step in and separate us further from our intuition. The foundation for their gaslighting has already been laid.
I’m coming up on 2 years since we separated, and I can tell I’ll be working on this for many more. Wishing you love, light, and clarity on this healing path back to yourself. 🩵
And the same to you ❤️
Thank you 🩵
Something I have realized in similar circumstances was I accepted the behavior that I felt I deserved. I grew up having to love someone exactly how THEY needed it to receive breadcrumbs of the love I needed. And I couldn’t expect more. And I had to be perfect and exhaustive in my efforts…as I healed that, I realize that I deserve to receive ALL of the love I put out…for myself. So I started to do it for me…and I found the right people who could love me well started to show up. I still struggle with feel like I always need to over perform…but I’m kinder to myself now. Hope you are too 💕
Yes!! I am working towards the same. Part of healing what led me to this relationship so I can make sure it never happens again.
THIS: The first Christmas we were married, my ex got mad at me for being upset that he didn’t get me anything. “Why would I get you anything? We’re married. It’s coming out of the same account. If it matters so much to you, get something for yourself. You’re so material.”
Perhaps it’s because you’re just so special. I would know - because I’m super special too!!
This sounds so strangely familiar to something my own ex-asshole said to me our last Christmas together.
Everyone was so happy with their gorgeous gifts and complimented me on how lovely they looked - almost too beautiful to unwrap. I was feeling so grateful. And, I received some sweet hand-made gifts from the boys and a thoughtful gift from his family. And, I waited…was I missing something? Waited. Waited. Everyone was leaving. The day was turning into night…waiting…and I finally had to facetiously yet cheerfully ask, “Hey you! What are you going to surprise me with?”
“Oh, baby. It was a rough couple of months and I didn’t generate a lot of business lately. I knew you wouldn’t mind not receiving any presents from me because you’re not a materialistic person. And, that’s why you’re so special.” And, then he gently kissed my forehead.
And, that was the night I should have accidentally poked a sizable hole in his c-pap machine breathing tube. I should have waited until his shallow breaths slowly began to grow longer between each last gasp…
To gently whisper - Merry Christmas forever, you special asshole.
Financial constraints are difficult, but to not make an effort to do *anything* for the person who is supposed to matter the most to you is unacceptable. And to blame the lack of effort on finances is so insidious; such careful manipulation.
Our last Christmas together he didn’t get me anything either (he didn’t get me anything for almost all of our Christmases together), but that year I told him he was responsible for getting his family’s gifts and that I wouldn’t be doing it. *No one* got anything from him. He still got Christmas gifts from me even though I knew he wouldn’t reciprocate. It wasn’t until after doing gifts for Father’s Day and his birthday last year (while separated!) that I finally stopped. I was trying to be a good example for the kids, but it was breaking my heart that he never cared about me enough to even make an effort.
I have been there too. Always being the bigger person. Not capitulating to their level. Setting a good example for the kids.
You know - a very wise person recently told me that “Children always recognize genuine affection and they will never forget that you were the one who always showed it to them.”
And that changed my understanding of how they inherently recognize disingenuous behavior from a very young age. You’ve done your best to be a good example. They already recognize your sincerity in your love. And, they know always will. He can never give them that because he’s too busy being selfish. 💜
It’s not about wanting something extravagant or even remotely costly…It’s actually *Insert that Old Tried but True Cliche’ Here* and that they weren’t even able to THINK about the most important person in their lives, (which is themselves - but I cite hindsight.) I’m certain that you, as I, gave him a very thoughtful and generous gift or gifts. Yours didn’t even bother to buy ANYONE in his family a gift, but I bet that didn’t stop him from ripping off the wrapping paper of all their gifts to him with childlike glee, while visions of sugar plumbs danced in his deranged head!
This is exactly the problem: They created THEIR Asshole and because they can’t take accountability for contributing to his awful abuse against his own wife, they rally around him and deflect blame onto you. These people are pathetic, petty, and emotionally immature bullies who will never get it. It’s always someone else’s fault. It isn’t personal, although it sure feels like it, but I can see it with relative objectivity. (Pun intended.)
Also, dysfunctional narcissistic family members are incapable of understanding anything other than protecting their shared interest in preserving the facade of perfection in public, which means they have to make themselves perpetual victims and partake in their folie a familia, which necessitates they never have look within or confront their generational trauma. They have to blame someone for their Asshole - and unfortunately it is you.
It has been me forever, as well. I’m so sorry that they’re so vindictive, but don’t worry - I doubt anyone takes them seriously here. We’re all too busy creating, learning, and marveling.
*I have been extra snarky lately and there’s an awful reason. But don’t worry - my Asshole is likely playing golf with his buddies while smoking a cigar without a care for anyone else in the world.
It really is about being considered at all, about mattering to them at all. You’re right that he had no problem accepting gifts from others despite his lack of reciprocity.
I hold onto the belief that my children will know what healthy love looks like and recognize it as they grow. I’m doing my best to raise kind, emotionally intelligent, healthy children. That takes up almost all of my time and energy.
It’s hard for me to be so black and white about them because I loved them like family for 10 years, but they’re absolutely enabling him and they’re not willing to hold him accountable or to reflect on how they may have contributed. It’s easier to blame me and call me a liar than to address misogynistic beliefs and their own harmful actions.
I’m sorry for whatever you’re going through right now. I hope it gets better.
Of course, your intensely personal, intimately emotional connection with your in-laws is that despite their deep denial about their son’s behavior toward you, you still hold a place in your heart for love for them. That’s why the pain of not only losing the dream of a future you once idealized with the joy of boundless possibilities, is now overflowing with tears of sadness.
As if nothing could ever hurt more than total apathy, I have to argue that hateful rhetoric and vindictiveness compounded by acts of completely unnecessary and intentional aggressiveness from both the simplicity of their betrayal but also the crushing cruelty of denied reciprocity of your love.
It reinforces a profoundly isolating experience that should not be yours to suffer alone while already tiptoeing your way through a minefield of grief for what was and now is. What a testament to your strength of character found in the revelation of the absence of theirs.
Your children will surprise you someday when you hear the most wonderful words ever spoken in an arbitrary moment in passing conversation, of which they will be unaware, because you never realized you had taught them unspoken virtues of what it meant to be a good person, as they were just far more observant than you could have ever possibly imagined.
You hit the nail on the head in a beautifully poetic way. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. 🩵
Gosh…thank you. I’m so happy it helped. 💜 That last paragraph actually happened a couple of years ago when I told my son I was proud of him for something I noticed and appreciated about him. His laconic response was a two sentence statement made while he was rushing out the front door. Before it closed behind him, he looked back at me and smiled. I had no idea that he had learned something so important just by observing me.